eli5 How does “being able to live by yourself” not mean as well “live a lonely life ?
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Well, “lonely” is a value judgement, as opposed to a “solitary” life.
There are people who enjoy a solitary lifestyle, sometimes going to great lengths to live far away from other people in remote places like Montana or Alaska.
For most people, this isn’t something they seek out, but it’s a style that might be useful for some periods of their lifetimes.
Because living by yourself does not preclude you from having many friends. You can have guests, you can go out and be social. The reality is that being *able* to live by yourself can make you more successful socially because you gain the confidence to know you don’t *need* people in your life and the people in your life are there because you choose for them to be.
Being able to do something doesn’t mean doing it, it means having the skills and emotional stability to be able to do it.
Even if you’re in a relationship, you should still be your own person with your own personality and hobbies and life skills. And if you have those things, it’ll be easier to find a relationship in the first place.
Being able to live by yourself doesn’t mean you need to be live alone, it only mean that you are able to do it alone if needed.
It’s more about learning the skills necessary for the adult life and not relying on other people to support you. Maintaining your home, paying the bills, buy groceries, making food, take care of the laundry, etc.
Typically in western society, young people will most likely end up living either alone or with roommates and during that period of time they are the sole person responsible for maintaining their life. Roommates won’t clean after you, they won’t feed you, they won’t do the task you forget about, they might even be pissed at you if you failed at those task. It’s a good way to learn how to ”live by yourself”.
It’s just good life skills to learn for the rest of your life. Even when you are married with kids, you want to have those skills because your partner won’t particularly like to have to take care of you like a kid because you didn’t learn to do those things by yourself.
Learning to live by yourself is important if you want to peacefully live with others.
Relevant Bukowski quote I just stumbled across the other day:
“and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?”
Currently I lean towards “freedom,” but I think that the answer to this prompt really depends on the individual and where they are in life. It’s an interesting question though, and well put.
Loneliness is a feeling commonly associated with being alone, especially the feeling that you shouldn’t be alone or don’t want to be alone. Being able to live by yourself means being not dominated by the feeling of loneliness when you’re alone.
When I lived by myself I was never lonely. Solitude =/= loneliness.
My husband has told me that one of the things he found appealing about me was that I wasn’t looking for someone to complete or fix my life. I was clearly enjoying it, and was open to sharing it with someone. We’ve been together over twenty six years.
I would suggest that there is a difference between “living alone”, and living a “solitary life”.
My brother lives alone. He does not share his condo with anyone, or have any pets. Has done so for most of his life. But he does not live a “lonely” existence. He has many online friends, and visits regularly with family and other friends.
I had a friend who served in the military. Saw many bad things, and likely did some horrible things himself. When he retired, he chose to go off into the north and live a solitary life by himself. He chose to live this way for his own reasons, w/o internet or social interactions. I saw him again, at his Father’s funeral, and he seemed uncomfortable with the crowd of mourners who had gathered, even though none of them wished anything but consolation for him and his sister. We spoke, briefly, and he had truly made peace with the idea of being alone. I could not imagine it for myself, but he seemed anxious at that time to return to his life there.
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