I love to read about different mental issues and personality disorder and came across BPD but I didn’t really understand it. And now I really wanna understand it as it has peaked my interest. Thanks in advance to anyone who replies.
In: 18
Hi,
No expert, not a therapist— Just a person that may or may not have or had BPD.
I have exhibited all of the traits mentioned in previous comments. I very nearly ruined my relationship in the early days. It is because of this relationship that I was able to start re-training my brain to recognize what was “normal” and what was not.
I grew up in a chaotic, unstable, abusive, neglectful home. I learned about C-PTSD later on and realized that though I was no longer in danger, my brain didn’t know that. I would be “gone” for weeks at a time if I was triggered.
Genuinely, I felt like I was gone. I felt like a starved, terrified dog backed into a corner was controlling my body, and I was just watching myself make a complete mess of my life.
My partner would do something small, maybe forget to take out the trash for example. I would immediately go nuclear. There was no, “hey you forgot the trash” simple text, or “Hey, can we talk about this, it’s happened multiple times and I want to figure out how to resolve it together.”
In a second, someone I knew to love me dearly was the enemy. I yelled, and screamed, and cried, and I would list every mistake I thought they ever made. I was cruel, and vindictive, and unkind. I genuinely believed this person, who’d only ever loved me, was a monster. After a few months of my partner putting up with my explosive episodes, always having to walk on eggshells around me because they didn’t know if any tiny little thing would set me off— They told me that the way I treated them made them want to die, and that they hadn’t been so miserable in years. That woke me up. That conversation was one of the hardest I’ve ever had to have with myself, and with someone else— because I had been so horrible, so cruel to someone, that they wanted to die. Taking ownership of that opened my eyes. I didn’t want to be a bad person— but I was being one, by my own definition. After years of abuse, I became the abuser. I had to believe that I could get better. That I could be better.
Maybe they should have dumped me. I would have. If it were my friend in the situation I’d have told them to run from a person like me, and never look back. No one deserves to be treated that way.
When I was “untriggered” I could be rational, I could admit my mistakes, and I could react normally to things. It was during these times that I had to do the hard work of catching myself before I exploded. It took several months of consistently (or as consistently as I could manage) asking myself, “Is this normal?” And eventually I could tell the difference between “me” and “triggered me.” When I became self-aware of what it felt like, it became easier to temper my reaction. I knew I couldn’t trust my emotions. And I knew I COULD trust my partner. They stuck by me, and believed in me, believed I could be better. I couldn’t have done it alone.
Not every person with BPD is so fortunate to have a partner like mine, because the scariest thing I ever did (after surviving a manipulative liar for a mother) was choose not to trust my own emotions, and to choose to trust my partner instead. After spending my formative years unable to trust anyone around me, and later realizing I had been even further manipulated than I knew before, and being raped/abused in the relationship I was in prior to this one, I had to trust someone new to tell me the truth of my own reality. And it worked. I no longer have irrationally angry emotional outbursts, I no longer react the same to a mild inconvenience as I do genuine tragedy, my emotional stability has improved, I no longer self-harm, I no longer worry that every person I know has an ulterior motive.
My partner is kindest, most forgiving, most loving person I ever met, and it was because of their love for me that in my moments of clarity, I understood that fighting the battle against my own mind was worth doing to keep them. I didn’t get better for me. I didn’t fight for me. I fought because love like that is worth fighting for.
Sorry it’s long— but I wanted to share. It’s a difficult journey, but it’s worth doing.
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