Hi, I have executive dysfunction. For context, it has quite a lot of overlap with ADHD (which I was originally diagnosed with) and ASD (which I suspected I had later in life) [Side note, the difference is that if you had no developmental disorders as a child, that doesn’t count as either disorder]
ExDy for me is like, you know how you have your laundry? It’s there, it’s been there for weeks, and you want to do it. But you can’t. Why? You literally just can’t. Your body won’t do it even though you tell yourself over and over “Man I really gotta go do that”. My ability to Execute tasks is Dysfunctional. You can look up the concept of energy spoons to really get this idea. I know that doing something good for myself will make me feel better, but I still can’t get myself to do it
In the broader sense this extends to several categories:
Inhibition (being able to stop yourself)
Shift (being able to move from one task to another)
Self Regulation (being able to calm down and think)
Initiation (being able to start tasks, like I mentioned)
Working Memory (being able to recall what someone said you two seconds ago)
Organization (being able to manage your time)
Social Awareness (being able to understand how you affect others and picking up on social cues)
A lot of what I mentioned above is also a lot of the problems you see with ADHD and ASD. ADHD has way too much shift, little inhibition, and awful working memory. ASD has 0 social awareness and bad self regulation. However while those disorders have their stats dialed to 11 for some, while the rest are on 2s, mine would be like 5s across the board
Basically this all boils down to… you don’t work like other people do. And you’re very aware of it. To me, it feels like everyone else has been on NG+ the entire time and I’m in a never ending tutorial. Dealing with ExDy takes a lot of mental effort, and sometimes I still don’t get much done, but since learning about it I’ve been able to manage it much much better
Executive functions are cognitive abilities that drive goal-oriented behavior and are critical to the ability to adapt to the environnement.
They can be divided into 4 categories :working memory, inhibition, set shifting, and fluency.
Dysexecutive symptoms can occur in most neurodegenerative diseases and in many other neurologic, psychiatric, and systemic illnesses. Therefore people with dysexecutive functions have trouble with time management,
paying attention or switch focus plan and organize stuff.
It took me two months to do something that it actually took about 4 days to do. Instead of doing it in the first four or even seven days, I stressed about it for weeks and weeks, sitting in front of the computer and hating myself. I wanted to get it done so badly, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s self-destructive and I hate it. If I’m not passionate about doing it, the likelihood that this happens with a task goes way up. I get it done eventually, usually just in the nick of time when my adhd brain goes into hyperdrive survival mode, but life could be so easier for me if I would just do it earlier.
I have ADHD, and I explain it by contrasting it to laziness. When you are being lazy you don’t want to do something, when you are experiencing executive dysfunction you want to do something but can’t. It looks very similar from the outside, but I find myself almost screaming inside my head “please get up and do some laundry and start on your homework, I don’t want to have to deal with the consequences.”
Your executive function is, ELI5, responsible for determining what you’re paying attention to at any given time. It’s responsible for your ability to follow through on tasks, remember information, and switching your attention from topic to topic.
In “normal” people, this executive function is kind of subservient to *you*. (Not really, but this is ELI5, not ELI have a masters’ in neuropsychology). Neurotypical people get bored, distracted, all that, but they generally have a solid ability to focus on something when they want to.
People with executive dysfunction–so “anyone with ADD or a related issue”–can’t do so very easily. Their attention wavers and they have a hell of a time staying focused on something–or, alternatively, on breaking focus on something. Both the inability to pay attention and the inability to stop paying attention to something they’re not supposed to be paying attention to are executive function issues. That’s why you can see a kid with ADD struggle with his math homework but play video games until the sun comes up.
Executive functions are several fancy things the brain can do to itself:
– suppressing emotions and impulses
– listening to and obeying internal instructions
– feeling good about abstract accomplishments (feeling good because you ate tasty food is instinctive, feeling good about finishing your taxes is an executive function)
– paying attention to things you want to pay attention to
and similar. Like a lot of cognitive psychology we’re not entirely sure what we’re talking about. You can’t really measure distraction directly so researchers have to invent proxy tests like the Wisconsin Card-Sorting Task.
You get a deck of cards and start sorting them into piles according to a rule. The examiner tells you whether your moves are correct or incorrect, but they don’t tell you the rule. During the test the rule *changes* and you have to adapt, which means you have to figure out rules by trial and error *and* stop following old rules. That “stop following old rules” part is especially hard for people with executive dysfunction.
These abilities are apparently pretty fragile and depend on connections in and from the prefrontal cortex. They’re easily disrupted by stroke or drugs, brain trauma, aging, strong emotion, or fatigue. And they take a long time to develop. A 9-year old can explain why hitting their friends is wrong and stupid and all that, but that doesn’t stop them if they get mad enough. Ten years later they’ll probably be a lot better at those things, and reach full maturity after another five years or so.
There’s a video I saw that I found helpful as a neurotypical person. Unfortunately I don’t have a link.
Anyway. Go turn a burner on in your stove. See that it’s hot. And try put your hand on it. (Don’t… Don’t actually do this. It’s a thought experiment). You know that if you put your hand on it you’ll get burned, so you just can’t make your body put your hand down.
That’s executive dysfunction. You want to tell yourself to do something but you just can’t make yourself do it.
It’s fucking obnoxious is what it is. And it’s not just work or things other people ask me to do. It’s defying my own self! I live alone and it fucks me up constantly.
It’s me looking at a mess in the kitchen and going “I need to clean that up right now”, but a weird urge going “NO. You can’t make me! Do it later!” and I’m nigh incapable of arguing with it.
It’s me going “okay I really need to get things done today” and finding every single distraction possible, even with simple shit. I have to go to the store because I’m out of milk? HEY that bookshelf needs to be rearranged, and even though I’ve noticed it for months, I NEED TO DO IT NOW.
It’s even shit I *want* to do. It’s my day off, I have no tasks or obligations, and I really want to engage in one of my favorite hobbies today. Just as soon as I scroll Reddit for 8 hours or fall down a Youtube rabbithole and OPE! Too late, time for bed, no time for hobbies.
It fucking sucks.
Me in January: I got my tax documents so I can file my taxes, get my refund, and have the money to replace that window.
Me in February and March: *Stares intently at W-2 on my desk next to my monitor where it is obviously placed to remind me to do my taxes.*
Me in April: Shit, I need to file my taxes this week and that window still needs replacing.
Executive Function is the part of your brain that clicks on when you think “I should do this” and you then do it.
“I should do the dishes” •click, green light, does the dishes•
“I should pick that up and throw it in the bin” •click, green light, goes over, picks it up, throws it in the bin•
“I should take a shower” •click, green light, takes a shower”
When you are suffering from executive dysfunction, that switch doesn’t work the same as it does for “normal” people.
“I should do the dishes” •click…. click….. click, click, clickclickclickclickclick…. red light, doesn’t walk over and start the tap to do the dishes•
“I should pick that up and throw it in the bin” •click, yellow light, task saved until later, memory purge•
“I really, REALLY have to take a shower!” •click-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck… red light, anxiety• “I HAVE to! I can’t be outside if I don’t shower!” •click…. red light•
Sometimes, you have to force yourself to overcome it, you have to go in there and manually wrench the entire system into green light.
And people can do this, from outside, it doesn’t look like anything.
But you know that time you forced yourself to do something that was so far beyond anything you wanted to do that you were completely mentally drained? (Broke up with someone, confessed to something bad, swallowed pride and asked for help etc)
That can be exactly what a person with executive dysfunction experiences when they force themselves to do the dishes. It isn’t always that hard, but it can be.
Like trying to purposefully slam your hand in a door or jump off a legit scary height into water that you can’t bring yourself to do.
It’s a mental illness that can be just as crippling as a physical disability.
And when people say “get over it”, it’s not like we’ve tried.
It’s just that, you know.
“Get over it”
•click…. click….. click…. click-ck-ck… …. …. red light.•
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