Can someone explain step-by-step how Americans become a married couple, starting from the very beginning? What is engagement and how is it different from marriage? Are there different rings or just one ring, when are they given? At which point a proposal is made? How do you call your SOs during different stages of that process?
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After the proposal is accepted the couple is engaged to be married. The engagement ring is given at the proposal. Nothing is yet legally binding, either party can just end it, but cheating while engaged is a super bad idea.
durring an engagement your SO is your fiance or fiancee (gendered) (I have only ever heard fiancee)
The wedding has its own ring and a legally and socially binding contract after which the couple is married and would have to go through a legal process to end it. When married, you have a spouse with husband/wife (again gendered terms). There are certain legal benefits/detriments to being married.
None of this is set in stone other than the actual government contracts.
For a really stereotypical example, with nothing out of the ordinary at all:
– 2 people meet up. Let’s call them A and B. A asks B out on a date, and B says yes.
– A and B might be dating other people at the same time at that time. They’re just exploring what those different relationships feel like. Sometimes more than one of them may be sexual at a time. They refer to each other as “someone I’m seeing” or “someone I’m dating.”
– Eventually – which might be very soon, or many many months after A and B go on a first date – A and B decide they feel really strongly about each other, and want to be exclusive (so neither of them dates anyone else). Polyamory is obviously a thing, but I’m ignoring it for this example because it’s gonna distract from your core question.
– They would refer to each other now generally as “my partner,” but more traditional gendered titles are boyfriend/girlfriend. There are other very modern terms which aren’t gendered in that way.
– Now A and B are partners with only each other. They stay in that relationship for some time, letting it grow and deepen the way a friendship would, but at a much higher level of intimacy.
– In the US at least, they will usually live together at some point during this. This is both because they want to, and as a test to see if they want to really be partners for life, not just for a few years.
– They will talk about marriage, and both decide if they even want to get married or not. Lots of different beliefs on this topic. Let’s assume they both want a regular marriage.
– Often, A and B will go look at engagement rings and wedding bands together, and just talk about their ideas and preferences. The person planning to propose will make a note of what their partner likes, and buy it secretly.
– Engagement rings are expensive and usually very flashy, and are only worn on special occasions after they’ve been exchanged.
– One of them will plan a proposal, usually in a dramatic or meaningful way (like at the place where they had their first date, for example). In a heterosexual relationship, traditionally the man buys an engagement ring and proposes to the woman with it. This is not at all required anymore, and it doesn’t apply to queer relationships anyway.
– They have definitely talked about marriage already, so the proposal is sort of a formality: they both know the answer is yes. (Never propose unless you know the answer will be yes!) The receiving party says yes, and they put the engagement ring on.
– There is typically only 1 ring, worn by the person who said yes to the proposal. Rarely, both A and B will have engagement rings.
– The ring is often one that the receiving person picked out or said that they liked. It usually doesn’t fit perfectly. They’ll go get it resized at some point.
– *Now they are engaged.* The plan is to get married, but it may take a few years to save up the money and whatever else they have planned. (Or they may just not be in a rush.)
– At this stage, they refer to each other as “my fiance.” To be technical, fiancé refers to a man, and fiancée refers to a woman, but often it just gets shortened and generalized to “fiance.” “Partner” is still appropriate too.
– When they finally are getting ready to have the wedding (which is often really expensive in the US and involves months of planning), they will go pick out wedding bands. This is similar to engagement ring shopping, but it’s not done in secret; they both know the plan here. Wedding bands are usually much simpler than engagement rings, and are worn all the time by both A and B.
– Eventually, they have a wedding and are legally married. During the wedding, they each put the wedding band on the other person.
– Now they’re married. Traditional gendered terms are husband for a man and wife for a woman, but “spouse” is gender-neutral, and once again, “partner” can be used here (and is rapidly becoming more popular).
The reason “partner” covers so many different use cases is that it’s really generic and doesn’t offer specific information to someone you’re talking to. Are they just dating? Are they engaged? Are they married? It’s none of your business!
Occasionally, before engagement, there’s a ring called a *promise ring* which is given to one person by the other. This is like a mini-engagement or a pre-engagement, sort of like: I can’t afford an engagement ring yet, or maybe our relationship hasn’t matured enough to move onto the engagement step, but I am promising you that I intend to marry you. It’s much less common and I think it’s really only done between pretty young people (let’s say 20 or younger).
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