How do sexual kinks/fetishes develop?
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Here’s a Lacanian psychoanalytic perspective. Please research this subject yourself and take my summary with extreme scrutiny, it’s a hard thing to describe and summarize. This explanation is metaphorical and does not necessarily **literally** happen.
FOREWORD:
This is a theory of the unconscious or literally, that which we do not know. We can observe the unconscious working through our actions and our conscious thoughts, and dreams, etc. We can literally never observe the unconscious **directly**, as that would make the idea itself completely meaningless and defeats the actual definition itself.
Essentially, as we mature from being babies, there comes a time in which we realize we are not the sole (only) **desire** of our mOther (the primary caretaker, gender irrelevant). Practically speaking, we see the mOther is occupied with *something* else; be it a job, the father, etc. We can say the mOther is *lacking* something. We love and want the mOthers attention. So there is a choice for the infant or child to make. i) accept that *I* can never be the object that the mOther desires, there will always be something beyond me which I cannot fulfill or ii) Try to become the mOthers imaginary object of desire, try to become the thing she desires beyond me, try to *fill the lack*. This scenario, the realization that the mOther desires something beyond me is called castration; (i) is the acceptance of castration, (ii) is the denial of castration.
If the baby chooses (i), It is acceptance of a sad and empty reality and the loss of an intense pleasure, HOWEVER, it allows the subject to exist indepently, not as the tool or object of the mOther (a tool being that the baby chooses to use themselves to try to be the object of desire of the mOther). This allows them the space to build up their life symbolically.
If the baby chooses (ii), they retain the pleasure of being the object of desire of the mother: “Hmmmm look at me! I can be the object of desire, woo hoo!!!!!” Mind you, this is an extremely intense pleasure, not to be scoffed at. HOWEVER, there is an overbearing proximity of the mOther-child relationship. You could say there is no **law** to mediate the mOther-child relationship, after all, if the child exists as instrument / tool for the mOther, than the mOther is the absolute law, commanding the child what to do or how to be.
Continuing on for choice (ii). So, in the case of a fetish let’s say, the child invents an object that mediates the relationship. Essentially, the chosen object (usually a physical object or scenario) acts as a third party to the dyadic beyween mOther and child, instead of mOther-child, its mOther-child-object. This object provides extreme relief for the child, as it allows them a space or interest away from the “mOther” (again not necessarily female, just the primary care taker). The relief is from the pressure / pleasure to be the mOthers object. If you think about a scenario, if one could be high from drugs as much as they want whenever they want, it might feel good at first for x amount of time, but sooner or later, this pleasure becomes overwhelming and noxious and we just want it to stop and it doesn’t bring pleasure anymore so much so as it feels painful.
So essentially, the fetish is a creative way to separate oneself from the overproximity of the mOther and introduce a third party or a symbolic law, which gives the subject more space to live and exist in.
AFTERWORD:
JUST BECAUSE ONE HAS A “FETISH” DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE WAY I EXPLAINED ABOVE IS THE REASON. This is a *theory*. Some theories can be wrong, others go through drastic updates and revisions along their lifetime, and of course, some can be proven.
It is important to note that a person can have a fetish even after “accepting castration,” also known as scenario (i). Conversely, a person who picks scenario (ii) might not have a fetish. Here are some things to think about.
Firstly, the word fetish can mean different things for different people. I can view someone as having a fetish when they themselves feel they don’t have a fetish. Conversely, I can view someone as not having a fetish when they themselves feel they have a fetish.
Secondly, it is important to realize that the fetish itself is sometimes not as important as the subject’s relationship to it. A person can have a “fetish” and really hate it, feel embarrassed about it, and want to get rid of it. Conversely, that same person could love their “feitsh,” feel enjoyment and satisfaction from it, and want to share it with others. We can see these are drastically different scenarios and only through years of intense psychoanalysis can we get an idea of how this “fetish,” if we can even call it that, functions in a persons relationship to themselves and others.
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