What I always hear is “grow thick skin”. I guess there should be a process to do that or a mental training. But how?
I don’t talk about insensitivity or sociopath behaviour, but more like being toughy when it comes to little problem.
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From my experience, it boils down to self-confidence and emotional maturity.
Of course it’s hurtful when someone says or does something mean to you. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have an emotional reaction to it.
The difference is how much you internalize it and believe it to be true so that it wounds you deeply rather than you just recognizing that it was hurtful.
Imagine a small child bumping into your leg. A small child is not very strong and the the bump doesn’t physically wound you in any way.
Now imagine they do it when you have a very bad sunburn. It hurts way more because your skin is already injured. Even though the force of the bump is the same, your skin is way more sensitive to the bump and it hurts a lot more than it would if your skin was healthy.
When your psyche is healthy, people can’t hurt you with unkind words or deeds. When your psyche is already bruised, those same unkind words and deeds hurt a lot more.
I suspect that you have some damage that causes you to believe that the hurtful things others say and do are justified or true. Until you know they are not, those things will hurt you more deeply than they should.
When someone says something hurtful, the first thing you should do is think “Why are they saying that? What is their motive?” That way, you immediately make the hurtful thing about them and not about you. Most people say or do hurtful things out of fear or anger. Sometimes it’s because they didn’t think about how it would hurt, but most of the time they mean it to hurt. They want to hurt you because they are hurting. You don’t deserve their hurt, but they don’t know how else to get rid of their own pain so they throw it at you.
I used to get really angry and defensive when someone said something mean to me. As my emotional maturity grew, I was able to turn it around by asking “Are you okay? You seem to be very angry/hurt/fearful. What can I do to help?” A lot of the time, the person would just double down and continue spewing their hurt at me. That’s when you know it’s okay to say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way.” and then just walk away. There is nothing else you can do but remove yourself from that person’s area of attack.
The point remains that it’s really all about them and not about you. Until you know and believe that in your soul, they will be able to hurt you.
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