What I always hear is “grow thick skin”. I guess there should be a process to do that or a mental training. But how?
I don’t talk about insensitivity or sociopath behaviour, but more like being toughy when it comes to little problem.
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There’s a style of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). A therapist helps you identify and practice different strategies to reduce unwanted behaviors or negative thoughts.
It works by helping you learn to identify what triggers the negative behavior, and how to interrupt it, in a sense. Like any skill, over time you can get better at this, to the point that it becomes almost automatic.
(Edit)
I’m currently seeing a CBT therapist to help me deal with some depression symptoms. When I say they help you “practice”, I really do mean it. I’ve literally been given worksheets to fill out for myself.
One of my kids was very sensitive at age 5 and we had them create a journal of all the things they were thankful for: Good things that happened that day, things they were good at, things they learned that day. That way when they experienced something negative they could see the one thing did not define who they are.
Side note: we also told them bad dreams were just to wake you up so you could go potty. Go potty and look at your journal and you won’t have any more bad dreams that night.
*clinical depression and anxiety require professional help. Do not hesitate to get the help you need*
it comes with the realization that you cannot be compatible with everyone, and that that person is perfectly fine to have a different view on life.
someone may dislike you because you have different attitudes/habits/…etc. and that’s fine. just stop assuming there is a judgement automatically linked.
*and even if there would be a judgement, as long as it not someone who knows you personally or someone you look up to, what difference does their opinion make? they may be permanently or temporarily idiots (youth, immature).
I’m a total softie, and a book that really helped me with this is “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. It helps to learn to be intentional with prioritizing what you care about in life, i.e. putting your mental effort and time towards your passions rather than what someone said about you
You shift the perspective, mentally and emotionally.
> “If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.” ― Yogi Bhajan
Any individual who would choose to speak or act negatively towards you is only be doing so out of some basic psychological necessity.
They *need* to be negative towards others.
Once you recognize that, you quickly stop caring what they’re saying to you, or about you.
This isn’t about you.
Think back to all the people who ever acted negatively towards you, did you deserve it?
Now think about that individual and their life. What was their general demeanor? How did they act or behave in general?
I would bet, every single time, that any individual you apply this to would be a very negative individual overall and their existence would not be a pleasant one, basically ever.
The more you analyze the people who are directing negativity towards you, the more you recognize that these individuals all likely have had some level of emotional trauma in their past that has placed a terrible emotional burden on them.
This burden forces them to deflect all attention and seek to immediately satisfy the demands of their inner child.
This is why the less you react to a bully, the quicker they move on to someone else. Once that base need isn’t being satisfied, they will quickly shift their attention to someone else who will meet their needs.
If you sat them down and forced them to face themselves on a deep level, they’d crumble under the pressure, every time.
Some of the “toughest” bullies I knew weren’t tough at all.
Once you master the above, you’ll recognize that this isn’t about growing thicker skin at all. It’s simply about existing and not being affected by those around you.
> Neo : What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
> Morpheus : No, Neo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.
From my experience, it boils down to self-confidence and emotional maturity.
Of course it’s hurtful when someone says or does something mean to you. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have an emotional reaction to it.
The difference is how much you internalize it and believe it to be true so that it wounds you deeply rather than you just recognizing that it was hurtful.
Imagine a small child bumping into your leg. A small child is not very strong and the the bump doesn’t physically wound you in any way.
Now imagine they do it when you have a very bad sunburn. It hurts way more because your skin is already injured. Even though the force of the bump is the same, your skin is way more sensitive to the bump and it hurts a lot more than it would if your skin was healthy.
When your psyche is healthy, people can’t hurt you with unkind words or deeds. When your psyche is already bruised, those same unkind words and deeds hurt a lot more.
I suspect that you have some damage that causes you to believe that the hurtful things others say and do are justified or true. Until you know they are not, those things will hurt you more deeply than they should.
When someone says something hurtful, the first thing you should do is think “Why are they saying that? What is their motive?” That way, you immediately make the hurtful thing about them and not about you. Most people say or do hurtful things out of fear or anger. Sometimes it’s because they didn’t think about how it would hurt, but most of the time they mean it to hurt. They want to hurt you because they are hurting. You don’t deserve their hurt, but they don’t know how else to get rid of their own pain so they throw it at you.
I used to get really angry and defensive when someone said something mean to me. As my emotional maturity grew, I was able to turn it around by asking “Are you okay? You seem to be very angry/hurt/fearful. What can I do to help?” A lot of the time, the person would just double down and continue spewing their hurt at me. That’s when you know it’s okay to say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way.” and then just walk away. There is nothing else you can do but remove yourself from that person’s area of attack.
The point remains that it’s really all about them and not about you. Until you know and believe that in your soul, they will be able to hurt you.
There is two ways to care about somebodies opinion, consciously and sub-consciously.
If you make up your mind consciously that you won’t care about somebodies opinion and actually believe your own reasoning for doing that then that goes a long way to do the same sub-consciously.
Cold showers help me with this personally. While taking cold showers I focus on staying calm & relaxed and taking deep breathes which I believe helps me develop my ability to control ‘How I am feeling’ versus ‘What I am feeling’.
The cold water sucks, so I’m feeling its chilling effects however in my mind I stay calm.
I apply this practice in social settings like this,
Person A says something negative to me
1. I interpret and process what they say (What I am feeling)
2. Disregard what they say because idgaf (How I am feeling)
Cold showers also help to literally help you develop thicker skin too! Since i’ve started taking them my physical pain tolerance has gone through the roof!
My quick answer is that you have to care so much more about something else.
I work as the pastor of a church.
If someone does something that harms the unity of the church then I have to dive in to the discussion even if I hate confrontation because I love unity so much more.
If that person I corrects doesn’t like me . . . TOO BAD!
Obedience to Jesus and unity within the church are way more important.
also, a favourite quote.
“You wouldn’t care so much what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do (think of you).
The best model i’ve found is called Non-violent communication.
Its quite in depth but if you find even moderate mastery of the technique then it helps enormously in that regard. If you have some hours to kill:
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