I read a post somewhere where OP was saying how they had experienced severe bullying as a child and as they progressed with therapy as an adult, their sexual kinks (all revolving around humiliation, degradation and the like) were starting to disappear, and they no longer felt turned on by the subject as they worked through their traumas in therapy.
That got me thinking… I know it’s a defense mechanism to turn pain into an idea of pleasure, but on the surface it just seems so illogical that the mind gets programmed to seek out what has harmed it in the past. Can anyone explain to me how that works/what’s the point of it?
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I assume it’s part of control. You can control a consensual sexual interaction with someone (or in your mind), it’s something you’re choosing, you feel safe/comfortable with the person, and it’s most importantly Not Real. When you experience trauma, obviously, you can’t control your situation. It’s something you Don’t Want, so your mind turns the Bad Thing, into something you Do Want. And for a lot of humans, the only way to “want” a scenario (something that isn’t an object that you can want physically), is to make it sexual.
That’s my thoughts on it anyway. I’m not a doctor. or a therapist. or scientist. or psychologist.
A component of this phenomenon is that you are turning something which injured you into something you have active control over. You were bullied as a child, and now you are the one actively seeking out and making it happen in a controlled situation. You are now the one in charge, who can make it stop if you want it to. That can be a heady feeling and appeals to a lot of primate instincts centered on environmental safety.
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If there’s medecine I have to take that I don’t like, then a spoonful of sugar helps me make it less unbearable. Your brain is essentially doing this.
Your brain can’t handle the bad thing that keeps happening to it, so it mixes it with a small amount of a good thing to prevent the bad thing from hurting so much.
People say it’s about control, but in my experience it’s about familiarity. People are likely to develop sexual attractions around things they are familiar with, this doesn’t just apply to sexual attraction but attraction in general. That’s why some people like to date others that remind them of their parents.
If a traumatizing event, or series of traumatizing events is what your brain is familiar with (consciously or unconsciously) then oftentimes you will find yourself having a sexual attraction based around those events.
It sounds illogical because it kind of is…..by design. Your brain is immensely powerful at protecting you from traumatic memory. You might completely black out that part of your life, remember it differently, develop a personality trait that helps you avoid those situations, or even seek out that situation. Everyone is different.
It would only make sense to you if you went through it. People can have repressed memories of something that takes years to have that “aha” breakthrough that makes it make sense to them even though they’ve been on the right track the whole time.
The outside perspective is different. People like this didn’t just decide to be into whatever it is they are into. They probably have no idea why they are and might not even remember the event that steered them that way. As someone else has said, it could just be the brains way of assigning pleasure to something that caused pain in the past because you are less likely to remember/relive a traumatic event if the activity is reassigned to something “good”
Sadistic fantasies/kinks can be a way of channelling suppressed anger in a safe way. It wasn’t safe to express anger at the time the trauma occurred, so it got suppressed. Watching, say, S&M porn is much safer and the anger can be channelled that way. Trouble is the sexual fantasies don’t allow the anger to be properly connected to and fully processed, it operates more as a pressure cooker valve. When therapy can get to the route of the anger, and to whom the anger was originally directed, then healing can start and the fantasies stop having a purpose.
Attaching literally the most enjoyable experience a human can have with the worst experience it’s had, is a funny way of your brain talking to you saying “hey this was shitty, but we can make the most of it and make it something that doesn’t BOTHER you, now you like it”
I’d like to add that not all kinks are the result of trauma. Most probably aren’t. Sometimes brains are just wierd.
The mind can sometimes turn traumatic experiences into sexual fantasies or kinks as a way of regaining control over painful emotions. When someone experiences trauma, especially humiliation, abuse, or bullying, it can create intense feelings of helplessness and loss of control. Eroticizing the trauma is one way the mind tries to cope by “reframing” that painful experience into something that feels pleasurable or within their control.
Here’s how it can work: when the mind eroticizes a traumatic experience, it’s almost like tricking itself into thinking, “If I choose this situation, and I’m in control of it, then it’s not hurting me anymore—it’s something I want.” By doing this, the person can feel more powerful or safe because they’re controlling the narrative and the outcome. It’s a way to process the trauma without reliving the helplessness.
As people work through their trauma in therapy, they begin to heal those wounds and no longer need to use eroticization as a coping mechanism. They regain control in a healthier way, and the need to turn trauma into pleasure fades because they no longer need that defense mechanism. Instead of re-experiencing pain through a kink, they can process it, understand it, and move beyond it.
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