What is “codependency” or a “codependent relationship” and how is it different or unhealthier than normal human relations where we depend on each other to survive?
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Codependency is a type of relationship where one person loses all (or most) sense of independent self, in favor of being defined solely by their role in the relationship. They exist only in service to their partner.
It is unhealthy because, while relationships should have an element of service to your partner, having it become the totality of who you are is not conducive to a healthy, happy and fulfilled life. People need to have an independent sense of self, defined by multiple factors. For example, I am a husband but that is not _all_ that I am – I am a marketer, I am a runner, I am a gamer, I am a reader, I am a moderator, etc. I am defined by many different things, which is a healthy (or so I tell myself) self image.
Codependent relationships are unhealthy because it’s one person neglecting their own needs often to enable another persons bad behavior/mental illness. Like if a person were dating a narcissist and rather than be put off by their narcissism and set healthy boundaries they bent over backwards to accommodate them.
It can be healthy or normal, or aspects of it, depending on the relationship and how it is viewed.
Where it gets the label and view as bad is when it gets to be unhealthy or pathological. Whether it is ok or not is subjective. It is based on the views of the people looking at the relationship. It is in the eye of the beholder.
The earlier definitions of it were as it applies to a relationship with a person that is dependent on a substance, like an alcoholic or addict. See Al-Anon.
In the newer broader sense, one is codependent if one thinks they are codependent, and it is that thinking that it is a problem that is indicative of a problem.
A great example – a spouse that allows their alcoholic SO to drink irresponsibly and even supports their habit. When one person is enabling the others bad habits, then it’s codependent. Sometimes it’s a substance, sometimes it’s an unhealthy worldview, hell sometimes it’s racism.
Codependency is simply a lack of healthy boundaries. You are in a codependent relationship if another person tries to exert control in areas of your life that are yours to control (tell you what to do, what not to do, how to act, what to believe, what to wear etc). EI the abuser. You might also be in one if you have very little sense of self, don’t understand your own boundaries, let others dictate your life, allow other to abuse you. EI the enabler.
There’s usually an abuser and an enabler in regards to codependency. The abuser will make others feel they are too much, too little, mentally unwell, etc so they are more likely to stay in the “only place that will accept them,” do their bidding, and even become flying monkeys (used as a tool in social abuse). The enabler codependent usually takes the abuse, enables bad behavior, lies for the abuser and protects the abuser from legal/social accountability. You can see how this could create some really dangerous escalated situations over time.
Normal relationships do not cross these lines.
For example: Tim’s actions/opinions are not on Sally to rectify because she “knows better” than Tim. In a healthy relationship Sally sees Tim as a separate entity instead of trying to punish or change him using abuse tactics. Tim also would be secure enough to know when Sally is overextending and act accordingly.
It’s kind of the difference between drinking water and drowning.
Relying on someone is a good thing. Being devoid of anything else is self-harm. A matter of extremes.
It’s important to realize that “codependency” did not originally mean anything about being dependent on each other, codependency as a term came out of alcoholism and addiction treatment and it referred to also being dependent on the substance that your partner is using. So a codependent partner wasn’t too dependent on her alcoholic husband, she was also in a way dependent on alcohol because of the way she enabled and took care of the addict.
The term has expanded beyond addiction to partners of those with serious mental illness, and now it’s used and misused in a much broader way than the term originally was for. Codependent partners often find purpose in caretaking, they find emotional satisfaction in trying to fix somebody, and they’re likely to focus on their partner over themselves regardless of whether it is healthy or good for either one of them. More specific modern definitions focus on the codependent’s inability to tolerate other people experiencing negative feelings or circumstances. This leads them to both override their own boundaries and the boundaries of others in order to control or fix the other person’s emotions or problems.
Melody Beattie, author of “Codependent No More,” considered to be one of the best books on the topic, describes it as such: https://youtu.be/VbRkXRnnVz8?t=558
Codependency is two wounded people coming together to try and get their needs met from each other, but they end up wounding each other and themselves. They have adapted to life in an effort to get their needs met because their needs weren’t met when they were little. When they tried to voice their needs as children, they were shamed, punished, denied, and felt alone and abandoned. This led to a core belief in their not being enough, not being worthy, valuable or lovable. As a result, they have adapted survival techniques to try and get what they need and when they become adults, they don’t know any different and still look to others to try and fulfill their most basic core needs of acceptance, validation, love and respect and protection. Two wounded people coming together does not make for a healthy relationship. Healing must take place in each individual before they can come together and have a healthy relationship. They must heal from their shame or they will never be able to have a healthy relationship because all their relationships will be codependent and wounding.
I understand it to mean a dependence on one another in order to maintain unhealthy patterns that serve each of them for the time being. You know how some people get to be like 600 lbs, and are housebound, and you have to wonder who is going out and buying, preparing, and serving them enough food to maintain such an unhealthy weight, rather than setting healthy limits and doing what is best for their loved one? Those people are co-dependent. Each relies on the other to behave in a way that is unhealthy because it protects them in some ways. The 600-lb person continues to be fed all they want. The caregiver gets a sense of importance or being needed, perhaps being the only one who “understands” their loved one. Maybe they escape abusive behavior etc by complying. More likely, there’s an unspoken agreement that also feeds the caregiver’s unhealthy needs: I’ll give you all the food you want, as long as you don’t mention my internet shopping addiction.
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