I’m not sure what empathy is or how to feel it. It’s sometimes left friends and partners feeling frustrated with me when I can’t comfort them in the way they need and it causes me to be upset that I don’t understand it. I want to understand what it’s like.
Edit: tagged as chemistry because I guess technically it’s brain chemistry.
Edit: I’m talking about this issue with my therapist later today.
Edit: just got done with therapy. Turns out I do feel empathy, but it just comes off as not caring because I get frustrated that I can’t always figure out how someone needs to be comforted. I might look into getting tested for autism because it happens a lot.
In: 7230
Sometimes you don’t know how your friends prefer to be comforted. Sometimes, when you see them in distress, it is unpleasant to you and so you pull away. Those are not unusual scenarios.
Empathy is imagining what they are feeling – having an understanding of how they would feel based on what happens.
You can be empathetic to someone and still do nothing. There are several types of empathy. One is understanding their perspective. Another is understanding their feelings in a situation. And then a third is understanding what they need from you based on their perspective and feeling.
Sounds like you struggle with that last one. But they are related. if you misjudge their perspective and think “oh, if I was in their situation, I would feel in a certain way, and I would want someone to give me space” then to give them what you think they need, you give them space. But what they actually want may be words of concern, words of sympathy, offers of assistance, etc.
Quite often, what people want is just a sympathetic ear or shoulder. Guys often look at things as a problem to solve, so when someone comes to them with a lament, they go into a action report critique to dissect the issue and try problem solving. When the right response is listening, offering sympathy, asking if there is anything you can do, and staying close for comfort.
Dennis Reynolds, is that you?
Not a scientist/therapist.
What your friends/partners are asking of you is compassion. Empathy is the starting point to that.
Empathy is trying to gain the perspective of what someone is else might be feeling. Sometimes it may happen so that they are feeling helpless/anxious about a situation that may seem trivial to you or your attitude towards certain issues could be more of solving the matter rather than being consumed by the emotions/situation. It takes a lot build the resilience to not let emotions run over ourselves. Some are able to develop rather easily through either experience or support from others and some take a lot of time as they have not received the same support.
This is the point where compassion comes into play. Compassion could be holding their hand, actively listening and being supportive in ways you can. Eg. cook a meal when they’re not able to, express confidence in them in dealing with situation at hand, checking up on them frequently to see how they’re doing or if they need help.
I am not saying to solve their problem for them, but help them to take charge in life and you be the supporting role there.
I believe in you dude. It is a monumental task to be compassionate in these times. You are already on step 2. You are seeking the ways to be a better human, the wisdom to be one will follow.
If you’re a reader, some books about empathy/compassion could help. Reading/listening/watching people who have supported others would also be a good way to develop that. Empower others with your kindness. Much love brother.
oooouiii this is how i found out i was autistic. i hope ur testing goes well and ur in a safe space to discover yourself
Empathy is kind of a vague term, and there are (at least) 3 separate things that people may be referring to when they use it.
**Cognitive empathy:** this is the ability to understand what another person is feeling; to get in a person’s head and read them emotionally. For instance, if someone says everything is totally fine, but you can tell by reading their body language that there is something wrong. This is the kind that Autistic people are said to have less of.
**Emotional empathy:** this is the tendency to feel something that another person is feeling. For instance, if someone is going through a very difficult time and crying and it makes you feel sad by extension. This is the kind of empathy that people with antisocial personality are said to have less of. If someone says “I feel your pain,” they’re expressing emotional empathy.
**Compassion:** compassion is just the tendency to want the best for another person. For instance, if someone is in pain and you help them simply because you want them to feel better, rather than because you necessarily feel their pain, then this would be a better example of compassion than empathy.
Of course, people can and do use these terms in different ways, and that’s valid. But, I’m just trying to point out that there are distinct concepts here and they are often meshed together under one umbrella term: “empathy,” which can cause some confusion and vagueness. Hopefully this helps answer the question.
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