What is major depressive disorder?
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I have depression, I don’t know if it’s major depressive disorder or not but it is a pain so this is how I like to see it.
Imagine you’re walking in a forest and you’re on a dirt path. Like dirt paths tend to do there are natural pits formed. Some people can see these pits and avoid them, some people will trip a bit but recover quickly. Now I’m a little clumsy so if there’s a pit for me I trip into it so hard I fall into a different deep hole. For a while when I would fall into a deep hole my solutions were “oh I can dig tunnels in the hole and get out that way” or “if I can figure out to fill the hole with water I can swim out of the hole.” Someone who isn’t me can clearly knows if you dig tunnels in a deep hole you get lost and when fill the hole with water you can drown. After getting lost and almost drowning a few times I learned that digging gives you rocks and water will strengthen the roots and turn the dirt into mud. I learned how to turn the rocks and mud into a stronger foundation and how to climb roots. After I’m out of that hole, because I am clumsy, I will fall into more holes. But eventually I learned how to build fires and collect food so if I fell into another hole I could handle being in the hole better. I learned how to make rope when I’m in the forest and I fall into another hole I can get out easier. I learned not all holes are created equal and what might have worked in the past won’t work for this hole. And still as a get older I’m learning how to take different paths to handle the pits better, but I know that when there is a pit and I trip, how to get out of the hole.
In our lives we are faced with so much uncertainty, stress and anxiety. For some people they know how to handle these things and for some of us they cause us to spiral and get stuck. Being depressed, for me at least, feels like I’m trapped in my own brain. I feel stuck and feeling stuck makes me sad, and being sad will turn to feeling empty. When I have empty in the past in cause me to go to very dark places, making me lost in my own thoughts, which when you’re depressed, are self destructive. Through lots of trial and error, I’ve learned how to navigate the emptiness and how to work through that to get myself back where I want to be. Sometimes I just need to find a way to get out and sometimes I need to survive the emptiness until I know how I’m supposed to get out. Depression is about learning strength, forgiving yourself, and about surviving through the pain. But most importantly it’s about learning how to not make it worse for myself.
I will trip, and I will fall into holes. Being in the hole is the hard part. But being out to see the forest, is why I keep trying to get better at getting out.
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