Why do narcissists feel like they are never in the wrong, they can do no wrong even though evidence points otherwise?
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You’ve probably heard the term “cognitive dissonance”. This is a way of describing what happens psychologically when you encounter new (and conflicting) information. For example: as a kid, you’re told that Santa gives you presents for Christmas. One Christmas morning you sneak down and see your parents setting up presents under the tree. There are conflicting beliefs happening in your mind: that Santa gives you presents, and that you *see* your parents giving you presents.
Cognitive dissonance *must* be resolved. You cannot continue to exist in a state of dissonance because it fundamentally affects your view of your *self*. How you perceive the world is intrinsically linked to how you see yourself and what you believe about yourself. It may be as simple as believing that you are an intelligent person, and if you find something new that you didn’t know, or that you were wrong, it means you maybe weren’t as smart as you thought you were. Broadly speaking, you can resolve cognitive dissonance in one of three ways. To be clear, there is no *right* answer. You can:
* Reject the new information to maintain your worldview and your view of yourself. You didn’t see your parents putting out presents, that must have been a dream. This can be difficult, depending on how strong the evidence is. It’s very hard to reject what you’ve seen with your own eyes. It’s not *impossible*, and it can be the easiest thing to do if the new information is very shocking or *very* different from what you believe.
* Alter the new information so that you can incorporate it without changing your worldview. You *did* see your parents putting out presents, but only because they met Santa when he came down the chimney. This is probably the easiest thing to do, but the mental gymnastics can be very challenging if there is no good explanation to be found. You may have to really think to come up with a reasonable justification.
* Alter your *self* and your worldview to incorporate the new information. Santa isn’t real, your parents are liars, magic doesn’t exist in the world. This is obviously pretty hard, because it really changes your beliefs. Sometimes it isn’t the hardest thing, though. Like, you’re *pretty sure* that President Jimmy Carter died but someone tells you nope, he’s still alive. It’s not a big deal to change that belief. It doesn’t affect you much, it was never a core part of your worldview, no big.
Again, to be clear there is no right answer. Sometimes you *should* reject the new information because it doesn’t come from a reliable source. Someone tells you that the moon is made of cheese. That does not match *anything* you know, and you *should* reject that. Regardless, the concept of Cognitive dissonance doesn’t say anything about what you should or shouldn’t do, just what you *can* do, what people *actually* do.
Narcissists are pathologically incapable of option number 3. They *cannot* change their view of their self. It doesn’t matter how small of a thing it might be, a narcissist holds their view of their self as being perfect and immutable. That means if they cannot change their view of their self, they *must* reject any challenge to that as being a lie. Any challenge to their self is a personal attack. Everyone loves them, so anyone who doesn’t is out to get them. And if they were wrong, they weren’t wrong, because they have a justification for why they were actually right the whole time, and you’re wrong, because that does not conflict with their worldview and who they believe that they are.
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