Are the 5 stages of grief a real thing? How can every human experience the same emotions in the same order after a tragedy?
In: Biology
You’re right, this theory has been criticized and lacks evidence. See the wiki for sources https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief
Quoting from – yeah I know – [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief):
>The model was introduced by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, and was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. Motivated by the lack of instruction in medical schools on the subject of death and dying, Kübler-Ross examined death and those faced with it at the University of Chicago’s medical school.
>
><…>
>
>Kübler-Ross later noted that the stages are not a linear and predictable progression and that she regretted writing them in a way that was misunderstood. “Kübler-Ross originally saw these stages as reflecting how people cope with illness and dying,” observed grief researcher Kenneth J. Doka, “not as reflections of how people grieve.”
In real life, it’s more like expressions of grief than distinct stages. It’s highly conditional and individual, up to and including people starting with acceptance within the first five minutes of hearing the news.
The stages of Grief (whether the 5-stage or 7-stage model) are not meant to be followed linearly. As you say, everyone is different so everyone will experience the stages differently. Some people will not experience every stage and how they are experienced will be different.
They’re real in the sense that a grieving person will likely experience such sentiments, but it’s by no means a roadmap of grief. It’s more a “These are some of the things you’ll probably feel at some point of the grieving process.” The way people deal with grief is so incredibly subjective and situational, that it’s nigh impossible to come up with a consistent framework for the process.
Adding to what others here have said about it not necessarily being a linear progression:
You might switch back and forth between different “stages”. You might feel some things in parallel. You might go through those feelings in a completely different order than someone else. You might not experience all the feelings. You might never reach some of them.
They are more like common landmarks in human grief. I richocheted back and forth between a couple for along while, just couldn’t hurdle them for a very long time, finally got some help. Then skipped around the others for a good while too, it was erratic, but it was some comfort to know they were just symptoms of the grief and normal to experience at some point. The process and parts are all very unique, especially if you’re letting it wash over you, or avoiding those tough feelings like the plague. There’s more to grief too, survivors guilt, a whole host of other common responses and reactions. As much as this whole 5 stages isn’t precise science, it did go a long way to helping people feel ok with the really common denominators.
The Kubler-Ross model was taken out of context and has since been found to be problematic. That’s to say, your gut instinct is right. People generally do run through the described emotions but don’t do so linearry.
Recently went through/still going through this, I can explain my thoughts. I found my youngest brothers body in October 2022, and I couldn’t revive him.
Some of the phases roughly match up for me. Though, I flip back and forth through them. They’re not in order, but they are roughly there.
Denial was immediate. The shock made me question and not believe that it was happening.
I spent the next several days in somewhat of a state of confusion and disbelief. This is where support from friends was so crucial. Cooking food, eating etc – not high on the priority list.
I was the one that dealt with the coroner and the funeral home, and all of the organisation and logistics that go with it. I had to tell all of our family and his friends. In a way, I rushed into accepting it. My brain had to shut off and “get things done”. Lots of stuff was matter of fact.
Simultaneously though, in down time, I would try to understand why and how it happened. I would wonder what I could have changed and how I could have prevented it. This could be construed as bargaining.
In reality, it was just punishing myself for self inflicted guilt, remorse, sadness, and fear about the world that was now different. Sometimes I revisit this phase. Certain songs bring it out. Sometimes I seek them out. Sometimes they hit me from left field.
I’ve largely been apathetic and unmotivated since. You could call that depression. But it’s co-mingling with acceptance too. I wouldn’t be depressed if it wasn’t real. It’s not really depression though. It’s different. It’s a profound sense of loss. Its realisation.
Sometimes I wake up from vivid dreams, and I flip straight back to what you would call denial – while my brain comes back to reality and I remember that the dream was fake. That passes and the chaos begins anew.
I would say over time that I spend less time in the “denial”, “anger” and “bargaining” phases – but they are recurring, and not necessarily in order. I spend less time feeling the “depression” phase too, but it’s never really far away.
Latest Answers