Are the 5 stages of grief a real thing? How can every human experience the same emotions in the same order after a tragedy?

Question

Are the 5 stages of grief a real thing? How can every human experience the same emotions in the same order after a tragedy?

In: Biology

Answer 1

Recently went through/still going through this, I can explain my thoughts. I found my youngest brothers body in October 2022, and I couldn’t revive him.

Some of the phases roughly match up for me. Though, I flip back and forth through them. They’re not in order, but they are roughly there.

Denial was immediate. The shock made me question and not believe that it was happening.

I spent the next several days in somewhat of a state of confusion and disbelief. This is where support from friends was so crucial. Cooking food, eating etc – not high on the priority list.

I was the one that dealt with the coroner and the funeral home, and all of the organisation and logistics that go with it. I had to tell all of our family and his friends. In a way, I rushed into accepting it. My brain had to shut off and “get things done”. Lots of stuff was matter of fact.

Simultaneously though, in down time, I would try to understand why and how it happened. I would wonder what I could have changed and how I could have prevented it. This could be construed as bargaining.
In reality, it was just punishing myself for self inflicted guilt, remorse, sadness, and fear about the world that was now different. Sometimes I revisit this phase. Certain songs bring it out. Sometimes I seek them out. Sometimes they hit me from left field.

I’ve largely been apathetic and unmotivated since. You could call that depression. But it’s co-mingling with acceptance too. I wouldn’t be depressed if it wasn’t real. It’s not really depression though. It’s different. It’s a profound sense of loss. Its realisation.

Sometimes I wake up from vivid dreams, and I flip straight back to what you would call denial – while my brain comes back to reality and I remember that the dream was fake. That passes and the chaos begins anew.

I would say over time that I spend less time in the “denial”, “anger” and “bargaining” phases – but they are recurring, and not necessarily in order. I spend less time feeling the “depression” phase too, but it’s never really far away.