(ELI5) Why is codependency considered inherently negative?
In: Culture
You enable people’s poor behaviors. Would you like to know more? Check out the wiki.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency)
A lot of people here are posting from personal experience. Codependency varies on how it manifests from person to person. There are a a lot of books written on it, and I would suggest looking into it if you think you might be codependent.
One of the biggest downsides to codependency is the inability to create/maintain boundaries. It can result in being walked over, abused, and never getting what you need. Lots of books of boundaries as well.
It is like a heavy drug, you will have a lot of fun, but you will end up getting fucked up in the head.
There is a reason why 99% of the girls have been in a codependent relationship with some ‘abusive’ guy haha. It is fun, but if you had good parents they would have taught you to avoid it.
Codependency requires you to care for someone else to the point that it is damaging to yourself. Additionally, you end up assuming all responsibility for their failures, which you actually have no control over. It also gives the other person permission to take advantage of you, and they will. Codependency used to be called “co-alcoholism” because the relationships between addicts and their partners and pretty much always codependant. It’s the only way those relationships can survive. I am a recovering codependant. I am extremely close to my husband, and we rely on each other, but there is a give and take that was never present in my former codependant relationships.
Nothing is inherently bad, it always comes to what criteria you’re using (it is basic philosophy) but I will give you my opinion on that.
– You don’t reach self actualization. Your fear of losing the enabler (the SO) and trying to become a better person for the them becomes your number 1 goal and motivation to live. Puting all of your possible true tastes and true preferences aside.
– you will become dumber. Since you are worrying about the SO so much due to your codependency on them, you lose the capacity of puting studies/work or whatever at a high level of focus.
– You feel more often bad than good. I think this one is a necessery condition for the codependent relationship. The fear of losing the enabler is the main tool they use to have you attached to them. You’re convinced that they are improving your life and without them you would be lost and unhappy, and it is the lack of validation that keeps you hooked on to the relationship. Whenever the enabler FINALLY decides to give you the validation, it feels like the best sensation in the world (thats why ppl say codependent relationships have the best sex) but it is 90% of the time being anxious and worried and 10% geting validation and feeling good.
– you become awkward. In the typical codependent relationship, as a codependent, your feelings and emotions are disregarded, it is the enabler’s feelings and happiness that matters the most. You start getting used to telling jokes and not getting laughter, you get used to avoid displaying insatisfaction when someone violate your boundaries and at some point, even when you are interacting with others, you will naturally be prone to avoid telling jokes or not believing you could be funny, you could also develop fake nervous laughter (this one is common), you will naturally let people interrupt you, you will naturally let ppl do shit with you that you shouldn’t let and others will notice this and label you a weird/weak person (and they are right).
As for the enabler, I don’t think there is any ‘cons’ for them, it is all good having a desperate person willing to put up with you. Haha they are usually very inteligent charming charismatic and attractive. I feel ashamed for have let myself be the codependent one. I think only weak people with shitty parents become dependent on others.
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