I’ve tried researching it and many explanations seem to be emotionally charged, judgmental, and non-factual. “They’re so evil and manipulative!” Okay, but can you actually describe what it is?
The the factual, non-biased explanations show what’s in the DSM-5, but it’s kind of vague. What exactly is it? What might people with BPD do to avoid abandonment? Etc.
Edit: Just wanted to thank everyone for their reply. Everyone has brought something of value and an interesting perspective.
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As someone with BPD, here is how I like to explain this to my friends. This may not be anything close to a scientific definition or anything, and I know that things like my ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) play a role too.
There is no middle ground. If I am thinking about ordering pizza, it’s either I get a pizza and wings and bread sticks and soda and desert, or I skip it all together. I am fully aware when I am being unreasonably emotional, but in the moment it feels right. The world is constantly against you, and sometimes you do bad stuff out of fear and anger. If I am trying to imagine the outcomes of let’s say me running away from home, what I see is either the cops will be involved and I will go to jail and my life will be over, or it will go perfectly and everything will work out and it will be sunshine and rainbows. My mind is not able to see that middle ground of I walk around for a bit and my parents freak out and then I come home and just get grounded, or anything like that.
It is a heavy burden on the people around you, but it is also very hard on the individual. Sometimes I will just be thinking “what the hell am I doing” But be unable to stop myself in the middle of one of these episodes. The hardest part is I’ve watched a YouTube video and then decided that I need to throw my life away, because one little thing in there influenced me, and that’s all that will be ringing in the back of my head.
As someone with BPD I can say that the best thing someone can do to help when I am in one of these episodes is just accept it and don’t take anything I say to heart. I know that may be hard, and I am not saying that you should accept abuse from others at all, but if you have a loved one with BPD and they are saying crazy shit like “you never loved me” Or “we need to get married tomorrow” Just try to console them until they can calm down a bit, and then have a serious talk about it. It may at times feel like you are playing into serious manipulation, but sometimes we can’t control it, and feel like shit later. If it gets serious, don’t accept it, don’t let yourself get abused by them, but if you can just play along it can truly help them calm down quicker. Don’t be afraid to after ask them “what’s going on, how much of that was rooted into the truth” And to say “I am not ok with this, you hurt me”, but if you can, try to help them find a coping mechanism.
If you only take one thing out of this though, if someone you love has BPD and you end up having to deal with one of their meltdowns, do not fight back heavily. Do not escalate it in the moment. Wait to talk about it once they can actually speak without shaking. It shouldn’t take too long normally.
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